Free Short Jokes - Entire career

Stockbroker at I.R.S.
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He
showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then
sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a
tremendous fan of Sir Arthur […]

Free Short Jokes - Accountant in Heaven

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is
amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I
wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a
remarkable man as yourself.”
The […]

Free Short Jokes - IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night they got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who
had this question: ‘I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do […]

Free Short Jokes - IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next
day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly
excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the mount of daylight
changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very
disappointed.

Free Short Jokes - Zebra

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a
photo-safari in Africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and
scout the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: “Look! There’s a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: A
white zebra! It’s fantastic! There are white zebra’s! We’ll be famous!”
The statistician: […]

Free Short Jokes - Coffe maker

An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining
cabins at an old motel. First the engineer’s coffee maker catches fire. He
smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window,
and goes back to sleep.
Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a
cigarette […]

Free Short Jokes - GM vs. MICROSOFT

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ”If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five
dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating
(by Mr. […]

Free Short Jokes - Engineers Won’t Say This…

1. Debug code developed 4 years ago for a rush project with absolutely no
documentation? Love to!
2. More documentation? Love to!
3. Why would anyone who spends every day of the week working on a computer
want to spend any of their free time playing computer games?
4. Join in a Quake game? No thanks, I’m leaving early to […]

Free Short Jokes - Top 10 reasons computers must be male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either […]

Free Short Jokes - US MILITARY

The U.S. military has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any
strategic or tactical problem.
Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to
feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical
situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an […]

Free Short Jokes - Were you drinking?

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have […]

Free Short Jokes - Avoiding a big object

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain […]

Free Short Jokes - A driving school test

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same […]

Free Short Jokes - Better to BE

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Free Short Jokes - Which is heavier?

Which is heavier, 20 pounds of rocks or 20 pounds of sugar?
Their both 20 pounds! doy!

Free Short Jokes - Interview

A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to
write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research.
There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and
explained his mission.
The young man asked, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you
really happy?”
After a moment, the […]

Free Short Jokes - Useless Facts

Here are some useless facts that you may enjoy…
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag.
Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language […]

Free Short Jokes - Limerick

There was an old man from Purdue
whose limericks stopped on line two.

Free Short Jokes - There was once a wide mouth frog…

There was once a wide mouth frog. She had babies and she didn’t know what to feed them. She went to the cow, talking with her mouth real wide, she said, “COW, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?” The Cow said, “I feed my babies milk.” She went on to the horse. Talking with her […]

What has four legs and eight arms?

Q: What has four legs and eight arms?A: A pit-bull terrier at a children’s play area.

Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other…

Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

What does an elephant keep up its trunk?

What does an elephant keep up its trunk?A Yard ‘n’ half o’ snot!

Free Short Jokes - Clinton ‘n’ Buddy

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman and the other is a chocolate lab!

Free Short Jokes - The Golden Mug

A guy walked into a bar and saw a golden mug on a shelf above the bartender and it said “Win this…free beer for LIFE!” The man walked up to the bartender and asked “how do I win this golden mug?” The bartender replied, “See that drunken man over there? Knock him out in one […]

Free Short Jokes - Mommy, Mommy!

“Mommy, all the kids at school say I’m a werewolf! Is that true?”
“No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face.”

Free Short Jokes - Animal Sounds

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: “What does the cow say?” Child: “Moo!” Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?” Child: “Meow.” Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest […]

Free Short Jokes - Bats

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.
One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”
“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”
The first bat replies, “Who […]

Free Short Jokes - Blonde Painter

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,”Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the […]

Free Short Jokes - Cats and Pills

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into […]

Free Short Jokes - Combining Flipper and Jaws

Q: What do you get when you cross Flipper (a dolphin TV Star) with Jaws (shark from the movie Jaws)?
A: A fish that will bite you in half then save you from drowning.

Where does Grandma live?

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

Free Short Jokes - How old is Grandpa

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

Free Short Jokes - Before and after

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

Free Short Jokes - Opinions

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

Free Short Jokes - New mint coat

The woman was happily showing off her new mink coat.
“It was nice of your husband to buy you that fur coat,” said her friend.
“He had to,” replied the woman. “I caught him kissing the maid.”
“How dreadful. Did you fire her?”
“No.” She smiled. “I still need a new dress and purse.”

Free Short Jokes - Number for Jack

Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about’.
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I think you mean the telephone point on the wall’.

Free Short Jokes - Two Peanuts

Two peanuts where walking down the road and one was a salted!

Free Short Jokes - Snail on a Boat

What do you call a snail on a boat?

A Snailer!

Free Short Jokes - Chimney Talk

What did the big chimney say to the small chimney?

You are too little to smoke.

Free Short Jokes - Country Backwards

What do you get when you play a COUNTRY SONG backwards?

You get your house back, tractor back, wife back, and dog back!

Some Free Short Jokes

Scientist & Corn Maze

Q: How many scientists does it take to get out of a corn maze?

A: Nobody knows they haven't made it out yet!

short jokes

one day a kid asked his friend if he'd seen the movie ''constipation?'' His friend replied "no". ''yeah?'' he said ''it never came out.

Hillary

Q: What do you do if Hillary Clinton throws a hand grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Strawberries

Q: Why were the strawberries angry?

A: Because their parents were put into a jam bottle.

The Truth

An inmate asked a newcomer what he's in for, and the new inmate answered: " I told the truth and here I'm in for 20years!"

Free Short Jokes - Paperboy

A paperboy said to a customer one day, "Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, that's nice to hear," said Smith, "but I'm kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late."

The paperboy said, "I know, but I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!"

Free Jokes - No Outside Food Allowed

Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.

The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," the owner complained.

The two men stopped, looked at each other,
and then swapped their sandwiches.

Free Jokes - Consumption Of Alcohol

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Free Jokes - Healthy Insanity

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called ....... therapy

Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much

Some Free Short Jokes

Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

*****

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

*****

A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?

Short Jokes Mother Girl

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Johnny Jokes

Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.

Surcharge

Exasperated with obnoxious patients in the clinic where
I’m the office manager, I put up a sign that read: “If you
are grouchy, irritable, or just plain mean, there will be a
$10 surcharge for putting up with you.”
Clearly some people took the sign to heart. That same
afternoon a patient came to the counter and announced,
“The doctor said [...]

Commute

Pauly came home from his first day commuting to work into the city.
Mrs. Pauly noticed he was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey,
are you feeling all right?”
“Not really,” Pauly replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward
on the train.”
“Poor dear,” Mrs. Pauly said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting
across from you to switch seats for [...]

METHODIST SQUIRRELS

There were four country churches in a small Arkansas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the [...]

Fire wagon

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat. [...]

Life’s Imponderables

Life’s Little Questions…..
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new [...]

Prepare Three Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
“Open one of these each time you run into a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, [...]

A novice in the computer field

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented
with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure
how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most
reassuring voice, she said, “The computer wants to know what your name
is,” then she walked over to [...]

Community Service

One night a teenage girl brought her new boy-friend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their
concern.
“Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”
“Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he [...]

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
2. “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
3. “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look
more cheery.”
4. “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another
week.”
5. “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll [...]

What goes around

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a
very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant’s kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from
the restaurant for [...]

Proverbs for a computer

1) Home is where you hang your @.
2) The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3) A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4) You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5) Great groups from little icons grow.
6) Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7) In some places, C:\ [...]

The family dog

A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at
every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her
plate and held it up for him.
“Speak!” she said to the dog.
The dog says, “Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!”

The lengthy sermon

A preacher noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his
message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
‘I went to get a haircut,’ was the reply.
‘But,’ said the pastor, ‘why didn’t you do that before [...

Pragmatism

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right [...]

Halloween Jokes

Trick or Treating by your sign…
# Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
# Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
# Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
# Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
# Leo plans [...]

Quick…hide the Fireworks!

One year, Johnny’s family was having an “extended family”
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle
rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of
state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!).
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his
neighbors’ plans had [...]

Halloween Jokes

This just in from Thelly the Story Lady in Cardiff by the Sea – She just had knee replacement surgery.
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy [...]

Kids’ Deep Thoughts

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! –Age 6
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have [...]

Lawyer Jokes – Lunch

Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat
your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged
sandwiches.

It’s gettin’ so you can’t eat anything

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa, Florida. “The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG.”
He continued, “High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the long-term harm [...]

Skim Milk

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter
asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
“Sure, [...]

Funny Fairy Tale 2007

Modern Fairy Tale – 2007 Version
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”
Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”
Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”
So they all [...]

At The Hospital

At The Hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little
nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. [...]

Gov’mint work

Two city landscapers were working diligently alongside the
streets of a huge office complex. One would dig a hole and
the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of a street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one guy digging a [...]

Hoot Owls

Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard,
hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him.
For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and
forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.”
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in
inter-species communication, his wife had [...]

Driver license picture?

A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation.
After examining her driver’s license in silence for a
moment, he said, “You know something? This is one of the
finest, most realistic pictures I’ve ever seen. I’m glad to
see you aren’t one of those vain women who have their photos
retouched to remove all the lines in [...]

Blonde Football fan

Just in time for football season… Football finally makes
sense!
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied,” especially the cute
guys with all the big muscles; but I just [...]

Location, location, location

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee
when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a
hand-lettered “For Sale” sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the
startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room,
opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets, and pointing
out where a “new light fixture here and a little [...]

Hey Doc

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and
anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do -
everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this ‘miracle doctor’
to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. When it was time
for his appointment he told the doctor, “Hey, doc, [...]

Point of view

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all
his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to
visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks
in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How
about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”
He bought the ‘picture,’ but on the way [...]

The Pope & Golf

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment
of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime
Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a
friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their
representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical [...]

Father Flaherty

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Fadder.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, [...]

There’s roses for that?

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for
my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on
the bouquet, a young man burst through the door,
breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last
bunch.” The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May
I [...]

Bell ringer

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the
Pearly Gates: “For Service Ring Bell.” Away he goes; he
barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes
back to the gates, but no one’s there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell
rings again. He rushes back to the [...]

Really, really blonde!

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car
and asks the blonde for her driver’s license. The blonde
convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, “What does it look like?”
The blonde police officer tells her, “It’s that thing with
your picture [...]

Can you dig it?

Archaeologists were digging in Norway. They discovered a large statue of
the Norse god Thor. The statue had two large gemstones for eyes. Such a
statue had never before been seen. The two leading archaeologists both
wanted recognition for the find. They began to fight over who made the
discovery. The other archaeologists gathered to watch.

Eventually, the lead [...]

Graduates

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

The wrong color

A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed
husband.
The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was [...]

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be
dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think
of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he
decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to
begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” [...]

Penguins go to the Zoo

Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One
day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs
across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The
van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo
to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to [...]

Camping in Yellowstone

A group of Czechoslovakian tourists were camping in Yellowstone
National Park. While the others set up tents, a few went to gather
firewood. There were plenty of fallen branches, and they soon found
their arms full. As they were heading back to the campsite, a large
bear jumped out at them. It swallowed one of the men whole and [...]

Stop or slow down

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense…
Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, [...]

Puppies

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary
clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over
and under one another, in their box, I realized it would be difficult to
tell the treated ones from the untreated ones.
I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head
when [...]

In Church

Six year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not suppose to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See [...]

House Fires

The smoke detector industry and the insurance industry are covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
Insurance Jokes

Tossing wine

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it [...]

HOMELESSS WOMAN

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it [...]

Gasoline Jokes

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.
I have my car towed to work because it’s cheaper than buying gas.
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
I saw a guy on the street corner, holding [...]

Boring Jokes

A man was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process … mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.
A woman was observing this, and after about an hour, she said, “Pardon me, sir. Is anything wrong?”
“Oh, no,” [...]

She’ll find a horse!

Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble
getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could
help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.
After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door
of Joe’s apartment house. Joe indicated that the [...]

Free Short Jokes

Great collection of free short jokes. All about short jokes, best jokes ever, very short jokes, free short jokes, free jokes.